TECOLUTLA, Mexico

Marnie and I were touring “light” (car, tent, Coleman stove and ice-chest) down the eastern Gulf coast of Mexico on the way to the Yucatan. There are not nearly as many good camping locations en-route as along the West coast, mainly because of the quality of the Gulf beaches and waters; however the archeological sites are much more interesting and numerous. Our old travel references suggested that while there were no organized campgrounds in the run-down tourist/fishing village of Tecolutla, we might be able to negotiate an overnight spot adjacent to one of the numerous beach restaurants.

The road to the village from the coastal highway was only 8 kilometers in length, and paved, but it was in the worst condition of any road imaginable. Apparently it had been built over an old roadbed across the swamp flats and had been shoddily constructed; a recent series of heavy storms had ripped it to pieces. Foot deep holes and pavement breaks everywhere – any lapse of attention would have resulted in a broken suspension or smashed wheel – we knew that we would not have time to return to the main road but would have to arrange lodging in the village as night was fast closing. After a couple of false leads, we were invited to stay beside a little restaurant on the northern end of the village; here Simon, his indigenous wife Maria Theresa (of Oaxacan Mixtec extraction) and their family of four, ages running from 9-21 lived and worked.

Our original request had been to stay just for the night – thereby each side could size the other up. As it turned out, we stayed on for almost a month, having almost daily cross-lingual discussions with the family members as they tried to enhance their English for tourism purposes, and we tried to expand our Spanish vocabulary into functional utility for later contacts in Mexico and Central America. Frequently we shared meals with the family, and as the mutual language skills grew, Marnie and I learned much from Simon and Maria Theresa about the social, economic and political life of the community. Also living with Simon’s family was his ancient mother – to see her working around the restaurant or going to the store for supplies, all stooped and arthritic and with her white hair flying in all directions, she looked so old – yet were we to greet her anytime her face would immediately light up, her wrinkles vanish in a smile and her eyes flash with timeless beauty and serenity.

Simon and I would frequently walk and talk together. One day we took a shortcut home through the old village graveyard and he showed me his father’s grave, and later showed us photographs of his father as a young Spanish Castilian immigrant, and of Simon’s mother as a beautiful young bride, of Simon and his brother as children and of the father’s building of the restaurant. Simon’s face grew troubled when we asked about his father’s demise – apparently when the father was in his late 50s he developed ‘enferma de mente’ – what we would now call Alzheimer’s - and he became prone to wandering and getting lost if not closely watched. One day the old gentleman disappeared for the last time; the villagers and farmers searched for him for over a week, to no avail. Over a year passed, and a farmer discovered human remains in the swamp, not more than 2 kilometers from the restaurant. The body of Simon’s father had been identified by pieces of clothing found at the site.

As time progressed and our ability to communicate with each other increased, Simon and I became able to share with each other some of our respective lessons from life. For example, one day I mentioned that before leaving home, Marnie and I had had some “miedo” [fear] about this initial camping trip to Mexico. Simon picked up a stick and drew the following diagram in the sand: [Click on the following space if the diagram doesn’t automatically load]

--------and then he went on to explain the paradoxical ‘non-confrontation/hope/fear’ triangle, wherein if one ‘leg’ of the triangle is extended, e.g. ‘non-confrontation’, the other two legs of the triangle (hope and fear) are also automatically extended. Non-confrontation of issues necessitates useless increments of futile ‘hope’ together with the concomitant increase of ‘fear’ that the ‘hope’ will not actualize. “It is far better to confront challenges”, Simon said, “so as to see precisely what the dynamic is, and get on with it; the contrary path is that of the coward, quisling or self-defeatist who is doomed to live in the upheaval between unrealized ‘hope’ and its twin sister ‘fear’.”

As Simon saw it, the 'Terrible Triangle' of non-confront, hope and fear all starts with a situation that a person is not willing or able to accept. Instead of acting on the situation, the person may choose to not confront it, and concurrently he creates hope in his mind that the situation will handle itself over time. This 'hope' is an emotion that the person is carrying around at all times - in 'present time'. This view may come as a surprise because 'hope' is often thought of as a solution in the future.

But the 'feeling of hope' happens in present time and blocks the person from looking at the non-confrontable thing that he is now pushing behind himself. This process prevents him from acting immediately or in the future. At the same time, fear arises that the non-confronted situation may actually arise in the future despite the hope. This now creates in the person an implicit belief that the dreaded situation will happen, sooner or later. All the while the original condition remains unchanged or even grows while the person is 'waiting' in a hypnotized and paralyzed state of mind without taking action.

[Simon’s observation of the downward spiral associated with hope reminded me of how Soren Kierkegaard saw Hope and Dread as two sides of the same coin; and more currently the philosophical buzz-concept of 'Hope - the word of skid row'.]

As Simon explained, fear can be described as the consideration that 'hope' won't work out and something else will happen instead. Fear thus acts as a belief that the condition that is being feared may well actualize in the future. Yet any fear can be alleviated by finding and resolving the matching ‘hope’, underneath which lurks something that the person won’t or cannot confront. For practical purposes fear can be diminished by raising the level of confront.

Every time one side of the triangle - whether non-confront, hope, or fear - changes, the two other sides are changing, too. Simon continued to draw with his stick and - looking at the forces in play - a self-reinforcing structure with push-and-pull vectors becomes visible:

 1&5   An increasing non-confront requires more 'hope' to balance - i.e. a force increasing 'hope - and results in a higher fear factor.

 2&3 Hope leaves the non-confronted thing unchanged, allowing it to grow, a force increasing 'non-confront'. An increasing 'hope' raises the stakes and with it the fear of failure, pushing fear to greater heights.

4&6 An increasing fear results in an even higher non-confront of the original item and requires more hope to cope with it.

The slightest increase in any of the three sides of the triangle will result in an increase of the other sides. Now fortunately it also works the other way around: if confront is increased, fear will be diminished and there is not much need for hope anymore.

Simon also cautioned that hope is a central piece with which many personalities may uncritically identify. ‘Taking away their hopes’ may be a threatening proposal to them and it raises the ethical question as to which degree the 'Terrible Triangle' should be resolved. Secondly, it is more important to know and understand the mechanisms of the creation of anxieties rather than the undoing of already created ones. And thirdly, there are obviously some situations calling for prudence rather than incautious confrontation – Common sense suggests the wisdom of the Middle Path. [Especially when a long way from home.]

Keith and Marnie Elliott’s “REMEDY” Site

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