After Loss … The Struggle For
Renewal
This essay is the third part of a series
written after the death of Marnie – the earlier postings a year ago were
entitled
Thoughts on
Temporal Love: The Life Force and Thoughts On Grieving For A Beloved
WHAT WAS LOST?
It is wondrous to be able to love and to be
loved, yet there is a price to be paid for all good things – and the high price
for the jewel of love is grief. For later, after the loss of one’s spouse, the
Survivor often experiences much suffering from recurrent waves of sadness,
anger, shame, memory-trauma, guilt, remorse and anxiety. Imbedded within one’s
own Being and memory, it seems that the essence of our
former spouse lives on within us and affects us for some time, even though we
are physically separated by mortality.
There is no lonelier man in death, except the suicide,
than that man who has lived many years with a good wife and then outlived her.
If two people love each other there can be no happy end to it. (Ernest Hemingway)
Where a couple had been very close, in a
real sense their relationship continues and matures after the death of the
spouse, as the Survivor ‘discusses’ current concerns with the absent one in the
privacy of his/her Theater of Mind.
Quite often, though – no matter how the
couple tried – there is a sense that there’d not been a “great love” between the two, and then after one’s
spouse dies – on top of normal loss there may also a further sense of trauma
with the realization that there’s no longer any possibility of bringing into
reality the dream of great love with the other; no longer can a widower hope
for the alignment of one’s long-idealized anima – or in the widow’s case her
animus – with the lost mate. Regrets for things said and things done that with
hindsight shouldn’t have been said or done; regrets that things that should
have been said and done while the spouse was alive, but hadn’t been. Time
simply ran out. Thus one experiences a tragic sense of “Paradise Lost” when
having to face the fact of never in this life being able to live the “perfect”
dream with the beloved. The Survivor often may have traumatic flashbacks of
events, especially the inexorable transit across the spouse’s dying time – and
the Survivor may also wrongly idolize the memory of the dead spouse as being
the “perfect one”, and until healed the Survivor may berate Self for not doing
‘more’, and thereby experience waves of anxiety and debilitating remorse.
The Moving Finger writes; and having
writ,
Moves on; nor all your
piety nor wit
Shall lure it back to
cancel half a line,
Nor all your tears wash
out a word of it. (Omar
Khayyam – “The Rubaiyat”)
The “ties that bind” the two during their
conjoint time are strongly knotted and not easy to undo; healing and the Will
for Renewal arrives slowly, and even when grief seems to have abated, its waves
unexpectedly revisit with intense pain … again and again.
The root problem of the bereft Survivor is
that he/she has truly lost a great part of self, and thus becomes increasingly
anxious after being separated from fusion with the former love. That “fusion” or sense of
one-ness is an intense “oceanic feeling”, and is a mystical experience which
arises through spiritual and physical union with one’s mate, and it is
excruciatingly demoralizing when one loses one’s other half. To overcome this
separation anxiety, the bereft one may take refuge in alcohol or drugs; when
one’s brain is under such influences, one may lose the sense of separation in
the mind, and for a while one can feel
re-connected with something akin to the lost intimacy with the mate, and
thereby feel less anxious and torn. The problem though is that after the
alcohol or drug wears off, the bereft one then feels all the more alone and
anxious, and thus driven to indulge again, and with increasing frequency and
intensity, with eventual cognitive and physical impairment.
The same process may happen when one tries
to find relief from separation anxiety through premature involvement with a new
mate, prior to trust, love and caring twixt the two having had enough time to
seed, deepen and evolve. During intimacies, one may in the moment again feel
again connected and “oceanically-fused” and thus less
isolated, but – as in the case of alcohol and drugs – the sense of relief may
soon wear off, and then another round is needed to re-connect. This intimacy
connection can become as addictive as in the case of chemicals, necessitating
either repetitive fusion with that person, or serially with others. For part of
our path as we mature is the realization of the experience of joy through
engaging our sexual polarization. In time, both man and woman seeks union (physically
and psychically) with his/her opposite polarity, as we come to see that this is
the natural path of life continuance through regeneration, and of meaning
within life now.
Yet physical intimacies without
love never fully bridge the gap between two human beings, except
momentarily.
Consider the difference
between love and mere sex attraction. Love is an experience in which our whole
being is renewed and refreshed as is that of plants by rain after drought. In
sex intercourse without love there is nothing of this. When the momentary
pleasure is ended, there is fatigue, disgust, and a sense that life is hollow.
Love is part of the life of Earth; sex without love is not. (Bertrand Russell – The Conquest of
Happiness)
To understand and thereby accept nature’s
ways and grow through grief, it is necessary for one to very deeply study the
processes of life, love and loss. Others have previously gone through the same
experience, and have written about what they went through and what coping
strategies had helped them. After a person seriously studies others’ material
for a while, it can then help to get out into Nature, to walk in solitude and
allow one’s intuitive muse to visit and help interpret others’ findings, integrating
them into ideas whereby one can proceed personally. Other ways of dealing with
one’s sense of aloneness may help (work, family, exercise, solitude, reverie,
dialogue with a thoughtful friend, creative arts). In the fullness of time –
and depending on the individual – full restoration may lie in the eventual
achievement of a new interpersonal union, of again becoming totally fused with
a new mate, in love. Love that preserves one’s integrity and one’s individuality.
Thus the mystery: two separate souls fusing, yet themselves remaining as
discrete monads. Two humans becoming one, yet remaining two.
Neither of them reduced to being “means” to the other’s “ends”. Each adjusting personal behaviors to the expressed needs of the
other, in pursuit of mutual satisfaction.
PRPARING FOR THE RENEWAL
STRUGGLE
The loss-trauma is often very great and it will be necessary to ‘armor-up’ for the personal reinvention struggle. The
following may help:
·
Sit quietly and ask yourself: "Historically have I
experienced other great challenges in my life and how did I navigate through
them?" Now use these past successes to tap into your internal courage and
strength and explore whether the same strategies can again be implemented.
·
Re-read books and material that in earlier times gave
form and crystallization to your mind. The classics from the Giants of the
past, especially. In the human
condition, there is little new under the sun, and what others have learned and
shared across time’s arc can benefit you today.
·
It
may be a good time to review former affiliations and friendships – you may have
changed so much that the internal connectors of some former friendships are no
longer there, and so the friendships no longer work for you. After a profound
loss, it’s important to figure out which relationships to renegotiate, which
ones to end, and which ones to keep intact and start plugging into more often.
·
For some, writing is a form of meditation
whereby, as in an altered state of consciousness, one can surf the inner planes
and then after writing realize understandings of what has been
evolving within.
·
In some cultures and belief systems and
according to recurrent anecdotal testimony, there is a sense that the non-material
monad (aka higher self) or what could be understood as the mind-consciousness,
endures for some time beyond death of the body, and continues to try to help
those loved ones who are still embodied in life – the ‘help’ being in the form
of ‘nudges’ to the loved one during dreams, reverie and meditation. Many
accredited psychologists (C. T. Tart, J.B. Rhine, I. Stevenson, etc) performing serious research with volunteers and using
hypnosis and psychotropics have repeatedly elicited
what might be interpreted as the individual’s ‘higher self’, who describes
events from the monad’s former lives. Our western culture tends to disregard
such ideas as reincarnation, extrasensory communication, monad endurance and
soul travel), yet there may be much comfort to one who is open to the
possibility that one’s beloved continues to love, exist and subtly effect
events after death of the body. Especially after traumatic loss, such
possibilities can help bridge the Survivor during his/her Struggle for Renewal.
·
Be
aware of the problem of loneliness for us social animals. Loneliness can drive
a person to prematurely seek attachment with another, and is often confused
with ‘love’ for such other.
If two people who have been
strangers, as all of us are, suddenly let the wall between them break down, and
feel close, feel one, this moment of oneness is one of the most exhilarating,
most exciting experiences in life. It is all the more wonderful and miraculous
for persons who have been shut off, isolated, without love. This miracle of sudden
intimacy is often facilitated if it is combined with, or initiated by, sexual
attraction and consummation. However, this type of love is by its very nature
not lasting. The two persons become well acquainted, their intimacy loses more
and more its miraculous character, until their antagonism, their
disappointments, their mutual boredom kill whatever is
left of the initial excitement. Yet, in the beginning they do not know all
this: in fact, they take the intensity of the infatuation, this being “crazy”
about each other, for proof of the intensity of their love, while it may only
prove the degree of their preceding loneliness. … There is hardly any activity,
any enterprise, which is started with such tremendous hopes and expectations,
and yet, which fails so regularly, as love. (Erich Fromm - The Art of Loving)
THE RENEWAL STRUGGLE
Sadness itself is not only
normal, but is a ‘flag’ that the person is beginning to accept the reality of
the loss. There is a natural tendency for the grieving person to
resort to solitude, but counselors advise against staying in seclusion
over-long – mourning and unremitting sadness can go
on so long that it becomes chronic depression and harmful to one’s health, so
in time one needs to again interact with others.
There's a time to be in the underworld; there's a time to come up
and out into the light. If we try to come up prematurely before we've
"drained the pond" then inevitably we shall drag our grief with us
into our new life. Remember, the
person you temporarily become after your loss is not the real you. For a while,
the grieving person is in a different zone, a suspended state, and the identity
that’s been created while transiting that
state is based upon pain, fear, guilt, anger, sadness, and a broken heart. There
is a different identity in gestation and waiting to be born. Renewal doesn’t
take place when our hearts break, but when they mend.
To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are
already three parts dead. (Bertrand
Russell)
Loss can create
tremendous uncertainty in the Survivor, because so much of how we define
ourselves comes from our relationships. When one’s spouse dies,
one’s world is turned upside down. That Most Significant Other, who had seemed
so real for so long, seems now but a memory. If one who had been so ‘real’ can
disappear like that, then what – if anything – is ‘real’, including oneself? It
takes some time to trust again – to trust in the wisdom of Life, and to trust
oneself. If the Survivor is retired, he/she may also face special issues
relating to loneliness and purpose. For a while, one can have trouble sleeping,
weep frequently, lose interest in food, be lost in apathy, have concentration
problems and be reluctant to make decisions, for one knows oneself to be
traumatized and quite destabilized. One may even swear that “never again” will
they allow themselves to love another, for fear of a similar future loss, which
could be unbearable.
In practical terms, initially grieving
individuals are searching for a way to re-attach to that which had been lost,
and over time mourning is the process of progressively detaching from the loved
one and from that former life. The process of mourning itself allows one to
slowly rebuild one’s inner world while concurrently experiencing release of the
bonds with the lost one. Through grieving, the bereaved is letting go of
multiple ties that were involved in sustaining the old relationship, and in the
fullness of time he/she may become open to forging a new attachment.
After personal trauma, it is especially
important to practice self-love (right diet, proper rest, good exercise) to
help keep stress levels in control, as otherwise one’s immune system may become
compromised. Later on, over time, one may consider his/her options and compose
a Mission Statement (either formally or at least consciously), critically
examining such options as the following three:
1) Being
reconciled to feeling complete within oneself, having “served one’s time” on
the domestic plane;
2)
Opting for an ongoing contemplative life –
sometimes it is necessary for at least a while to engage a combination of
study, self-introspection and reverie to eliminate external chatter and
‘monkey-mind’ overlay, so as to self-realize one’s best path;
3) Or – when the time feels right – to consider the
mate-quest. Prospects don’t have to be perfect - they only have to be right for
you for where you are today. Not for where you may be a year from now. When
with prospective mates, really try to ‘witness’ your own emotions and feelings
– today’s dating environment can be a whole new learning experience and a path
to self-understanding, if conducted mindfully. Later, consider a
serious relationship again if the person seems right. Only allow people into
your life who make you feel positive and strong.
For
one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our
tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work
is but preparation. (Rainer
Maria Rilke)
It
boils down to the question: What is one’s real ‘buzz’, or Joy, or Bliss?? And
because so much of life up to the spouse’s demise had centered on a monogamous
conjugal relationship, it may for a time feel awkward to look at other options
openly and seriously. And then, when one thinks they have decided on a path
forward, all too soon the realization may flash “Oh No – Not for me”, and the
decision process recommences.
At a deep level, the bereaved person oscillates between two
polarities, and both are necessary in successful grief work. One pole entails
preoccupation with the loss, yearning and ruminating about the deceased – the
second pole entails mastering the tasks and the roles fulfilled by the deceased
and making lifestyle adjustments necessary to build a new identity without the
deceased. Through the swings of this oscillation the individual gradually
changes his/her assumptions about the world in keeping with the situation that
now exists. In a real sense, the grieving person is trying to emancipate his/her self
from bondage to the deceased, so as to re-invest in a new lifestyle or in a new
attachment with a living person who can reciprocate the investment. In a sense,
this emancipation seems to involve a type of psychic alchemy – transmuting grief and denial into
gratitude that the former mate had been with one through that stage of one’s
life.
-
- - - - - - - - - -
Personally, at this time after 32+ months
along the solitary path, I am multitasking options 2 and 3 above – engaging the
contemplative path with serious studies while also exploring the possibility of
finding a compatible companion. As a result of working on this essay over
recent weeks, several insights emerged from reviewing the engaged steps and
stumbles so far. The ‘renewal’ process can’t be hurried, yet at my age time is
not infinite, and I feel that I should persist so as to better get on top of
the issues involved. Forays into the third option suggest that desired success
in that regard will not be an easy task. It therefore is admitted that aspects
of what follows below are conjectural rather than conclusive.
IF
ONE DOES OPT TO LOVE AGAIN
Being
deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives
you courage.
(Lao Tzu)
The four basic elements of affective Love
with another human are: care, respect, responsiveness to – and deep knowing of
– each other.
And prior to loving another, one must love one’s own self in the same four ways, otherwise
what occurs with another isn’t truly interpersonal love.
Love… is a quest for
truth… truth in relation to something quite precise: what kind of world does
one see when one experiences it from the point of view of two and not one? What
is the world like when it is experienced, developed
and lived from the point of view of difference and not identity? That is what I
believe love to be. (Alain Badiou - In Praise Of
Love)
To engage another in love requires that both
parties be relatively free of narcissism, thus allowing the development of
humility, objectivity and reason in each. And not just for their relationship …
the whole life of each must be devoted to this aim.
Humility and objectivity are indivisible, just
as true love is, and the platform for the practice of love is rational faith in
each other.
An honorable human relationship – that
is, one in which two people have the right to use the word "love" –
is a process, delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a
process of refining the truths they can tell each other.
It is important to do
this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation.
It is important to do
this because in doing so we do justice to our own complexity.
It is important to do
this because we can count on so few people to go that hard way with us.
(Adrienne Rich - On Lies, Secrets and Silence)
There is much work involved in sustaining
love with another, and one shouldn’t get caught up in the illusion that love
means the absence of conflict. For two lives to be lovingly fused is possible
only if both persons ponder deeply, and openly and intimately communicate with
each other from the centers of their own Being. As
Martin Buber taught and wrote in “Between
I and Thou” – it is then that a
new entity seems to come into existence between the two questers; that new
entity is their RELATIONSHIP – which itself can then inform and transform the
hearts of both.
Let there be spaces in your togetherness,
and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. … And stand together yet
not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak
tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow. (Kahlil
Gibran – The Prophet)
And so it should be kept in mind that – in
a prized relationship – the partners should not be “echoes” of each other, but
each have a mind of his/her own, and each share its truths with the other. As
evolving mortals, all of us are sometimes prone to folly and irrationality, and
we need to know that our partner can be relied upon to step in and offer
reasoned contradiction, rather than
servile agreement. Discussions between the partners should strive for consensus
as to the best conjoint path forward, and neither should browbeat nor belittle
the other’s views, nor meddle with the other’s spiritual and intellectual
foundations.
True love doesn't complete us, even though at first it might appear to
do that, but rather lets us grow and helps us become more fully ourselves.
Love alone is capable of uniting living beings in such a
way as to complete and fulfill them, for it alone takes them and joins them by
what is deepest in themselves. (Pierre
Teilhard de Chardin)
AND, IF ONE DOES OPT
FOR THAT PATH OF LOVE AGAIN … TO BE CAREFUL
There is no safe
investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart
will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of
keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal.
Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all
entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But
in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not
be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation.
The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the
dangers and perturbations of love is Hell. (C.S.
Lewis - The Four Loves)
In a real sense, in
‘late-stage’ situations the two individuals are “negotiating” a very serious
contract, a contract that has far-reaching consequences for both parties – for
better or for worse. So both ‘negotiators’ should take off their Eros-tinted
glasses and set aside their masks, and realistically speak to what each could
bring to the table, to their potential union. And each should honestly indicate
their aspirations going forward … and what each needs of the other. If there
are concerns and reservations, a time has to come to settle both minds. For
there is magic afoot – a mystery – almost an insanity – when a man and a woman
find what seems to be their Anam Cara (Celtic for
heart-mate) … yet magic can be white or black, so with reason as their guide
they should try to pierce Eros’ veils and see what – if anything – is the
practical foundation for their dream.
And better sooner
that belatedly. With compassion.
External links for further perspectives:
http://www.nationalwidowers.org/bereavement-resources-in-print-and-on-the-web/#.VtepSMvSljo
http://expertbeacon.com/live-love-and-laugh-again-after-loss-loved-one/#.VtOkkMvSljo
Posted March 10th, 2016